Long Time -- boring update

Hi Everyone,

So it has been a long time since I have posted and a few things have happened. I have been interviewing therapists. I think I found someone that I can connect with...just have to check her out a few more times, but she felt good about seeing me. She knows a lot about my diagnoses (plural, of course). I've only been to her once, but she did offer me some good advice.

I went out on a date Saturday night. It was okay. I'm not used to someone treating me so special, so it was a little overwhelming and I'm not sure I'm really ready to be on the dating scene. At the prodding of a couple of friends, I joined a local dating website and ended up meeting T in person at a public place. Once we talked for awhile, we decided to go out and went to a movie and dinner. It was nice. He showed up with flowers, which J never did for me. He held my hand during the movie, but he asked first which I thought was really sweet. I kissed him on the cheek goodnight and we hugged and he left. The bad part is that I still live in J's house. It's not mine anymore, remember? I signed the quit claim during the divorce...I'm sure I just butchered the spelling of that, but I think that's what it's called. T is 4 years older than me as opposed to J being 2 years younger. It's different. He was married, but his wife died of cancer at 28. :( She was beautiful.

Anyway, I liked the guy enough, but I just don't feel like I want more than friendship. The idea of having to emotionally commit to someone is overwhelming to me right now. And I need to move out...I'm hoping to at the first of March.

Emotionally I am stable. I have had my bad days, but I am going to a support group on Monday nights and I'm hoping it turns out to really help me in the long run. I guess I'll go back to my divorce support group on Thursday...haven't decided for sure and I need to email the therapist to get the exact dates it meets.

School is dreadful. I am in Nutrition and in Biopsychology. I don't think they could have paired me up with two classes that I hate anymore than these two, lol. Really!! I turned in all of my assignments late last week and didn't even get my participation in with one class. It was too much for my mind to write about neurons and synpases. That shit is hard.

Then I had to do a 12-slide powerpoint on carbohydrates. OMG!!! There is only so much to say about simple and complex sugars and for someone with an eating disorder history? Holy Shit! I think I did 8 and I turned it in late, so at least I'll get something for effort, right?

So that's my life at the moment. I still haven't found a job even though I have applied pretty much everywhere that interests me. I'm thinking about going to church.... I dunno. What do you think?

I would love opinions on me dating. Too soon? Bad for me? Good for me?

My ears are open.

Oh...and guess what exmother-in-law pulled? She emailed her sister (who is a close friend of mine but they don't speak) to tell her that if she ever talks to me again that she is dead to her. LOL M told her that she guesses she won't ever speak to her again. Is it wrong that it felt good to me for someone to actually take my side? M has put up with a lot from evil ex-MIL. I don't think it was a huge loss for her.

I Quit Therapy

I quit therapy.

Well, no, not exactly. Let me back up.

I had an appointment with Amy this morning. As most of you who have kept up with my endless drama probably already know, I have not connected with her at all but she has been the only licensed counselor in my area that I can afford and so I have just been kind of stuck with her.

But today was the last straw.

Why?

BECAUSE SHE FUCKING CANCELLED ON ME! GODDAMMIT!

Seriously!

The last time a therapist cancelled on me, I totalled my car, overdosed and ended up being "terminated" with the therapist I loved so dearly. Oh, and got sent to the psych ward for something around 11 days and my husband filed for divorce.

Awesome display of mindfulness and self control, right?

So since I don't really give a shit if Amy cancels, I took that opportunity to send her an email to tell her that I didn't want to do therapy with her anymore. I said I was sorry, but I can't keep coming to someone who can't help me. Besides, I was more mad that I got out of bed and got halfway there before she decided to let me know that she had "fallen ill" the day before.

She emailed me back and said she wants to talk about ending therapy in person. I half expected that....So damnitall I am going on Friday to discuss why I want to break up with her.

Why is it that I can't keep the therapist I loved and can't get rid of the one I can't stand? And here goes my endless circle. I sent her this loooong whiney email about how she is so perfect and it's not her fault and I just suck at life and believe me, she doesn't want to be dragged down to hell with me. Let me go alone. Please.

I am in total borderline meltdown today. And I hate this. HATE IT.

BPD on Overload

I'm sitting here writing with tears streaming down my face. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through these next few days. Yesterday I just slept all day. I'm so tired and weary. I just want it all to be over. There feels like there's no hope that I'll ever get better. I stay stuck in this life wishing I was someone else. I'm ready for it to be over. When I was a teenager, I was told these BPD symptoms would ease off as I aged, but honestly, I just feel like they're getting worse. The desire to die used to be squashed by my fear of hell but now that I've convinced myself there probably is no God, I have no buffer to stop me from just wanting out. These symptoms of abandonment and hatred for myself are more than I can bear. I wake up in the mornings wishing I was still asleep...at least when I am asleep I am less aware of the mess I've made of my life. I need relief and I don't know how to get it.

My mind is on warp speed and I can't slow it down. I tried calling A but apparently she's truly not speaking to me. She just ignores me. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't have the wherewithal to do something drastic to end up.

So I just sit here wishing I did....but knowing I won't.

Life

I wish therapists understood the degree in which BPD's (or me, at least) think about suicide. It's not something I wish to do for attention nor is it something I want to follow through with.

In fact, I am terrified at the thought of it.

But sometimes the thoughts are so overwhelming. I sit on the bathroom floor, pills in hand, tempting myself. I know if I don't down them all at once, I won't follow through. I know if I start with one at the time I'll get scared after five or six. I don't wish to have these thoughts and I have done all I can to wish them away. I have come to the conclusion that God hates me. These thoughts have resulted in every therapist I have ever had walking away from me. People just walk out of my life unaffected as if I never met them. They are... Frustrated. Angry. Confused. Hurt. And it makes me feel even more unloved because their love for me feels conditional and superficial.

Throughout my life, people have walked away from me, thrown me away like yesterday's trash. My own father, my sister, my husband, so many friends I can't count them all. Even when I was little, I was never important enough for someone to take me from my mother or get me some psychological help. Nobody ever asked me how I felt when my mother constantly threw her emotional needs in my direction. I couldn't handle it. I was a child. And yet, even as a child, I knew I was not loved or wanted. I knew that nobody cared how I felt or cared enough to step in and intervene so that I could live a normal life.

And here is the product. I am the person who was not abused enough for someone to intervene. No one was beating me or sexually abusing me, so I was left to cope with emotional abuse instead. And everyone in my path turned their head another direction. When I acted out, I was blamed. I turned into a little liar as a little girl. I lied about stupid things for no apparent reason. I once told a vice principle made an inappropriate comment and it was all a lie. I was shunned by other kids and always the one left out of the birthday invitation. I spent my high school years in my lonely head with few friends because my mother ran them off and didn't allow me to do school activities. I failed in grades in middle and high school. I became the one no one wanted to be around.

And yet, at almost 30, nothing has changed.

Sad

If you're looking for a thankful Thanksgiving post, you might want to stop reading now.

I'm so tired. I have so much to confess...here, somewhere. I don't want to be here...in this house, on this planet. I'm stuck. My mind, my body....I just wish I knew the way out.

Can a Borderline Truly Love?

I was reading a message board the other day that truly stomped all over my heart. Someone asked the question that went something along the lines of, "Can borderlines truly love others?" The responses were devastating to me. I saw things like, "No, they have superficial love that only benefits themselves" and "They can't love because they don't have valid emotions." One guy was talking about his ex-wife who was constantly suicidal and he couldn't take it anymore. I wondered if it was J. A few people claiming to be therapists chimed in and said they refuse to work with BPD people and that BPD's were the most difficult to try to work with because they don't make progress.

I don't have valid emotions... So this is why no one cares what I think, say, or do... Well, they care what I do when it starts affecting them like my overdose affected A, but then it's only their emotions that count - not mine.

I just wanted to lay down in a heap and cry. But that would be worthless tears because my emotions are not real.

Awesome.

Some experts believe that what causes BPD is having an invalidating childhood. I guess adulthood is no different because my feelings aren't valid even now.

J confessed to me the other day that A said I had BPD and I was on the Dissociative Disorder spectrum. He has no clue what that means. All he knows is my feelings don't count.

Inlaws are Stupid

You know, I think what bothers me more than anything about J is that he thinks he has no issues. He believes that it's all me, all the time. And yet he will rattle on about how dysfunctional his sisters are, how they always have been and how crazy his mother is and how his father hates him.... He has told me about their drug use, his mother's thefts, her embezzlement, her ridiculous tirades she went on when he was a child and her complete neglect of him in every way imaginable. She is, I believe, 100% certifiably nuts. She tells stories about what a wonderful mother is and everyone knows -- EVERYONE KNOWS -- it's all a lie. She tells about how she was so abused as a child and her own family gives me nods across the table letting me know she's a liar.

He admits his youngest sister hates him. She told him his father was not really his biological father and introduced him to acid when he was 18. Her life has been on self destruct since the day she was born and she then perpetuated that onto J. The bottom line, she is jealous of him. His older sister is a pathological liar. When J's niece was 10, she came to me and told me her 12 year old brother was molesting her. I did what anyone would do, I told her mother. She didn't believe her daughter and then convinced her that I somehow "made" her say it and that it never happened.

Umm, okay. Let's live in denial a little bit longer. This 12 year old is now 20ish and cannot keep a job, cannot stay in college (although his mother will lie and say he's in college) and has a plethora of legal issues he's trying to avoid. He pulled a gun on his own father and has been arrested for drugs and a number of other things -- yep, public record. It's par for the course in this family. His niece, now 18 going on 2 is a total idiot. She couldn't stay in high school, so her mother put her in dance. Sadly, the people at the dance company think they're all fruit loops (I have friends that have children there and I know a few others who go there). This is a child that I once treated better than her own mother did. A child I took for pictures, did her hair, kept her for weeks because her mother was too strung out to take care of her. And they have turned her against me with their lies.

His family is, to say the very least, dysfunctional.

My ex-mother-in-laws sister and two of her cousins are very close friends of mine. Both are aware of the issues I have had with her and understand (boy do they understand) how poisonous this woman is. I keep hoping she will drop dead of a heart attack but apparently my black magic doesn't work anymore. Speaking of, an anonymous person sent her a voodoo doll once (can you see how loved she is?). Damn. I wish I had thought of that.

And yet, J thinks he came out of this dysfunction unscathed. He remembers being 6 years old, home alone, and there was no food in the house. He remembers neighbors who didn't allow their children to be around them because his sisters drank and did drugs before they were 13.

He's normal and I'm not.

Emotion Overload

My emotions are truly on overload right now. I go from being okay in the morning to contemplating suicide in the afternoon to just walking around feeling sad 99% of the time. I scald myself in the shower just so I can feel something. I cry in the shower a lot. I forget the simplest things and my speech slurs when I least expect it. I am more affected by my overdose than I thought I would be at this point. I lose my balance easy. I lose track of time easier. I have gained almost 10 pounds.

I was thinking about going back to my divorce support group this week. I don't know if I will. Amy told me to be sure not to mention suicide in the group because it "scares people" and is not the appropriate environment. Like it scares her, I'm sure. I guess I can understand the fear that rises up in a person when someone says they're suicidal. Maybe they feel they now have an obligation to "do" something to stop that person. Sadly, they have no idea that nothing can be done. If a person wants to do it, a three-day hospital stint only gives them more time to think it through. Trust me, I know.

I was sitting here in my favorite chair last night with a little drink (mix some Hpnotic with some Fusion, ladies...you can thank me later) and The Help. It's my second time reading it. I love that book even though I cry all the way through it. Perhaps it is a desperate attempt to transpose my sadness into something else. I don't want to be sad over my divorce. I don't want to be sad over not seeing A anymore. I don't want to be sad over my dad not speaking to me. I'd rather be sad over The Help. It doesn't hurt so much.

I went to my friend Bridget's for a couple of hours today. Our mutual friend Amanda was there and we always laugh a lot so it was good for me. We went to see Tower Heist Friday night. Bridget snuck liquor into the theater and since I was driving, I let her have at it all by herself. She started laughing in the middle of the movie because some dude sat in front of us with not only bad smelling cologne, but some really strong, bad smelling cologne. We were trapped in the middle of the theater and had nowhere to go to get away from it. That shit gave me a headache in about 30 seconds, but it was funnier than the movie for some reason. made funnier by the drunk person next to me who kept snorting when she laughed. I am surprised we didn't get kicked out of the theater because we were all laughing so hard for so long at inappropriate times, but I really needed that evening to just let go. I had forgotten how immature I can be when I get around friends my own age.

I got a new cat. I'm not sure if I mentioned her hear or not. Maybe I'll post a pic later of her. She is the sweetest little thing. She's sitting here playing with my scrunchy. J was none too happy that I got her since I am still living here.
Is this even my house?
I guess I am just living here rent-free - as J likes to put it.
*sigh*
I'm still doing his laundry, cooking his meals, cleaning his house, sleeping in our bed. And yet, I am not married to this man. My name is off the house. My debt is in his name (except the medical debt from my accident and overdose). He doesn't have to pay me alimony as long as I live here. I want to move out really bad, but my credit is shot and I'm trying to pay off these medical bills. I hope to be gone before the New Year. I'm waiting for my stipend check from school. I'm thinking it will be close to $5000. Let it come soon!

I think I'll go to church this Sunday.

Avoiding Life

I have been avoiding my blog lately. I just feel so many painful emotions rise up in me when I write here. Maybe because it reminds me of the therapist I no longer have. I miss her so much.

Amy (new therapist -- have you ever noticed that therapist says the rapist? weird.) is okay. I have some concerns with her. My financial situation has changed a lot (for the worse) and she has offered to see me for $20 a session. That's amazing. She said it was because she wants me to understand that she won't abandon me and wants to treat me. I'm so untrusting of those words. It doesn't even do anything except hurt me to hear it because I know it's all a lie.

Maybe I need some advice. I haven't been able to tell anyone in my real life this, but, Amy tells me her own stuff. You know what I mean? She words it as she is relating to me when she tells me she understands, but today she told me about this theraputic work she was doing and how her mother was never available to her and how she grew up thinking she was stupid and she was bullied as a child. It doesn't feel good to me. She told me how she went to this retreat where the therapist that was assigned to her "held" her while she cried. It felt strange, but it makes me think she's not mentally able to handle me. I need someone emotionally strong and that -- she is not. I feel like she is emotionally fragile. I told her that today and she then changed and tried to convince me she can handle anything I throw at her.

Sigh.

I'm so tired. I'm just really finding myself walking around feeling sad all the time. I have had run-ins with Danica. She's not speaking to me and today she slammed a door on me. I was the last one out of the restaurant and she let go of the door. It hit me on the arm. She sent me a bunch of texts I didn't reply to and said things like "J deserves a medal for putting up with you!" and "Everybody in your life leaves you!" It only added to my sadness, though. I feel abandoned by God, by people, my dad.... I don't even think I believe in God anymore. Maybe there's just a great ball of nothingness out there. I can only hope for that. I just want to be some place that I don't think or feel. It hurts too much.

School is okay. Everything else notsomuch.

Update

Hi Everyone, Hope you're all doing okay. I am "okay" too, I guess. I have my good days and my bad days. Today just... is. I find myself wanting to say "I don't know" when someone asks how I'm feeling. Usually I don't know. I feel sort of flat, I guess. I avoid my feelings as much as possible.

I have a whole bunch of school work to do, but the thought feels overwhelming right now. I was cruising Facebook this morning and I clicked on a friend's who had lots of family pictures up from a fall festival. What I would give to have family right now. My dad still isn't speaking to me. He text'd me a couple of times, and I kind of got my hopes up that he would call, but he never did. I'm trying not to hope for anything right now because I just seem to be let down. He doesn't care and now I'm realizing he never did.

My divorce is final, in the event you didn't know. J and I are still living in the same house, which feels odd. I know the only reason he wants me here is because it's easier on him financially. One thing that does rest my soul is knowing I am no longer in his family. His family is awful....ugh. I won't get started. His mother and sisters are destructive, evil people. If I had known how they were, I would never have married him. Never. I think back to my co-workers at the time pleading with me not to marry him. My sister once ran into us at the mall when I was with his J's sister and she thought they looked like trash...and they did. I was just blind to it. I have never met a single person that has ever said anything good about them. In fact, a friend of mine I was speaking to awhile back told me she actually feels sick to her stomach when she thinks of them. Sad. They left a miserable legacy with their lies and theft. I would love to see my mother-in-law in prison for the people she has stolen from. I think the company she worked for is still investigating and stuff like that takes time. There was no possible way for those idiots to understand my issues when they had more than I did. They'll never understand how much they have hurt their son.

School is going well. I ended Algebra with a 84 (B) and I was okay with that. My GPA is no longer a 4.0, but it's close. I ended my Positive Psych class with a 97. Some of these psych classes are hard for me because I am writing about things like nature versus nurture, attachment disorders, etc.... Sometimes it's a painful process, but I keep telling myself I can get through it.

I'm supposed to see V today, if she doesn't cancel. Amy is on vacation this week and I'm glad. I didn't feel like dealing with anything. I've been depressed a lot, but that's nothing new. I just feel so empty, you know? Like nothing anyone says or does makes me feel better.

My volunteering is going okay. There has been some bickering between a few of the board members and since I'm secretary, I get drug into it all. I don't like confrontation so I don't side with anyone if I can help it. I think everyone regrets getting Danica involved. She wasn't voted in, but was put there by the President because the treasurer quit at the last minute. Danica ran for Vice President and lost, but the lady who beat her is kind of causing some problems by not doing her job. Then Danica steps in and she and her OCD/hypochondria/paranoia -- whatever her diagnosis is -- just makes it all worse. I'm not sure what we're going to end up doing, but I told them Friday I am going to quit if it doesn't stop. I have enough to deal with and thankfully I'm not involved in the arguing, but it stresses me out. Of course, not using a measuring cup to make macaroni and cheese stresses me out too, so I guess that's expected.

I went to the state fair a couple weeks ago. It was so much fun. I hadn't let loose like that in awhile. I went with a bunch of other people and we rode rides until I thought we would throw up!

I have gained so much weight. I went to the doctor Monday and I've gained 7 pounds since May. Umm, telling that to a person that has a history of an ED is reaaaaaaally a bad idea. But he didn't know and he was nice enough. He told me it was unstandable since I had been through so much. He wants to check my thyroid in January. He was the only doctor I could find that would see me without health insurance.

Speaking of health insurance...
I may not be seeing Amy anymore. I don't even care. She frustrates me so much.

Oh, well. I won't bore you all anymore. Just wanted to check in.