I'm sitting here writing with tears streaming down my face. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through these next few days. Yesterday I just slept all day. I'm so tired and weary. I just want it all to be over. There feels like there's no hope that I'll ever get better. I stay stuck in this life wishing I was someone else. I'm ready for it to be over. When I was a teenager, I was told these BPD symptoms would ease off as I aged, but honestly, I just feel like they're getting worse. The desire to die used to be squashed by my fear of hell but now that I've convinced myself there probably is no God, I have no buffer to stop me from just wanting out. These symptoms of abandonment and hatred for myself are more than I can bear. I wake up in the mornings wishing I was still asleep...at least when I am asleep I am less aware of the mess I've made of my life. I need relief and I don't know how to get it.
My mind is on warp speed and I can't slow it down. I tried calling A but apparently she's truly not speaking to me. She just ignores me. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't have the wherewithal to do something drastic to end up.
So I just sit here wishing I did....but knowing I won't.
Friday, December 23, 2011
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6 friends commented:
I want to tell you that I am praying for you. In fact, I'm about to send you an email. I don't know you, I haven't followed your blog, and I didn't expect to be doing this right now. I accidentally found your blog when I was searching for something on google and clicked on the wrong thing. I was in another tab when I heard this song and clicked over. But now that I'm here, my heart is broken for you. I hate what you are going through and I wish to be there with you. Not to sound stalkerish...lol... But everyone needs someone every now and then. Anyways, I would like to know a little about you so I will email you. Just know that it will be ok. From what I read, I believe you have struggled for a long time, but there is always hope. Take care.
Ghosty, so very sorry to hear you are so deep in the mire. I'm sure your typed words don't even begin to touch the depth of emptiness you feel. Please know that you are truly cared for. Sounds like you have closed yourself from the Love that is ever present, ever new. I've done the same myself before. But when you allow Him to reach out to you and make yourself vulnerable in trust to His Mercy, the emptiness is replaced by His radiance and warmth. I hope I happened upon your blog at a time He wished His love to be known to you, and my words might direct you in some way towards the One who has never given up on you. I know this time may be especially difficult for you, but if you allow yourself to look past the fog, He humbed Himself to be born as one of us and He endured so much more to be with you for eternity. Merry Christmas, and may His Peace comfort you!
I've been where you are. I'm sorry that you are there now, and wishing there was something i could do, really do, to help you. Know that I am here, tho and thinking of you, and sending a peaceful, wonderful holiday your way!
I've been where you are. For months, all I wanted to do was sleep because everything else just felt awful. At times, I didn't think it would ever end. I hate that anyone has to go through that pain. A teacher who's also a dear friend and mentor shared her battles with me. She told me that it's a tunnel and not a wall. I hope that in some way you'll be able to remember that, if you hold on, eventually you come back out of the stifling dread into an easier breathing place. I wish you good luck and courage as you move forward.
thank you, Nick.
Another post from someone saying they've been through it before...
I don't know exactly how you feel because it's your life. But I do understand that awful feeling, I haven't felt like that in a while and I don't know why maybe it will just poof away for you. Stay strong
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