Ghost Girl

Long Time -- boring update

2012-01-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone,

So it has been a long time since I have posted and a few things have happened. I have been interviewing therapists. I think I found someone that I can connect with...just have to check her out a few more times, but she felt good about seeing me. She knows a lot about my diagnoses (plural, of course). I've only been to her once, but she did offer me some good advice.

I went out on a date Saturday night. It was okay. I'm not used to someone treating me so special, so it was a little overwhelming and I'm not sure I'm really ready to be on the dating scene. At the prodding of a couple of friends, I joined a local dating website and ended up meeting T in person at a public place. Once we talked for awhile, we decided to go out and went to a movie and dinner. It was nice. He showed up with flowers, which J never did for me. He held my hand during the movie, but he asked first which I thought was really sweet. I kissed him on the cheek goodnight and we hugged and he left. The bad part is that I still live in J's house. It's not mine anymore, remember? I signed the quit claim during the divorce...I'm sure I just butchered the spelling of that, but I think that's what it's called. T is 4 years older than me as opposed to J being 2 years younger. It's different. He was married, but his wife died of cancer at 28. :( She was beautiful.

Anyway, I liked the guy enough, but I just don't feel like I want more than friendship. The idea of having to emotionally commit to someone is overwhelming to me right now. And I need to move out...I'm hoping to at the first of March.

Emotionally I am stable. I have had my bad days, but I am going to a support group on Monday nights and I'm hoping it turns out to really help me in the long run. I guess I'll go back to my divorce support group on Thursday...haven't decided for sure and I need to email the therapist to get the exact dates it meets.

School is dreadful. I am in Nutrition and in Biopsychology. I don't think they could have paired me up with two classes that I hate anymore than these two, lol. Really!! I turned in all of my assignments late last week and didn't even get my participation in with one class. It was too much for my mind to write about neurons and synpases. That shit is hard.

Then I had to do a 12-slide powerpoint on carbohydrates. OMG!!! There is only so much to say about simple and complex sugars and for someone with an eating disorder history? Holy Shit! I think I did 8 and I turned it in late, so at least I'll get something for effort, right?

So that's my life at the moment. I still haven't found a job even though I have applied pretty much everywhere that interests me. I'm thinking about going to church.... I dunno. What do you think?

I would love opinions on me dating. Too soon? Bad for me? Good for me?

My ears are open.

Oh...and guess what exmother-in-law pulled? She emailed her sister (who is a close friend of mine but they don't speak) to tell her that if she ever talks to me again that she is dead to her. LOL M told her that she guesses she won't ever speak to her again. Is it wrong that it felt good to me for someone to actually take my side? M has put up with a lot from evil ex-MIL. I don't think it was a huge loss for her.

I Quit Therapy

2011-12-27T13:28:00.001-08:00

I quit therapy.

Well, no, not exactly. Let me back up.

I had an appointment with Amy this morning. As most of you who have kept up with my endless drama probably already know, I have not connected with her at all but she has been the only licensed counselor in my area that I can afford and so I have just been kind of stuck with her.

But today was the last straw.

Why?

BECAUSE SHE FUCKING CANCELLED ON ME! GODDAMMIT!

Seriously!

The last time a therapist cancelled on me, I totalled my car, overdosed and ended up being "terminated" with the therapist I loved so dearly. Oh, and got sent to the psych ward for something around 11 days and my husband filed for divorce.

Awesome display of mindfulness and self control, right?

So since I don't really give a shit if Amy cancels, I took that opportunity to send her an email to tell her that I didn't want to do therapy with her anymore. I said I was sorry, but I can't keep coming to someone who can't help me. Besides, I was more mad that I got out of bed and got halfway there before she decided to let me know that she had "fallen ill" the day before.

She emailed me back and said she wants to talk about ending therapy in person. I half expected that....So damnitall I am going on Friday to discuss why I want to break up with her.

Why is it that I can't keep the therapist I loved and can't get rid of the one I can't stand? And here goes my endless circle. I sent her this loooong whiney email about how she is so perfect and it's not her fault and I just suck at life and believe me, she doesn't want to be dragged down to hell with me. Let me go alone. Please.

I am in total borderline meltdown today. And I hate this. HATE IT.

BPD on Overload

2011-12-23T05:32:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here writing with tears streaming down my face. I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through these next few days. Yesterday I just slept all day. I'm so tired and weary. I just want it all to be over. There feels like there's no hope that I'll ever get better. I stay stuck in this life wishing I was someone else. I'm ready for it to be over. When I was a teenager, I was told these BPD symptoms would ease off as I aged, but honestly, I just feel like they're getting worse. The desire to die used to be squashed by my fear of hell but now that I've convinced myself there probably is no God, I have no buffer to stop me from just wanting out. These symptoms of abandonment and hatred for myself are more than I can bear. I wake up in the mornings wishing I was still asleep...at least when I am asleep I am less aware of the mess I've made of my life. I need relief and I don't know how to get it.

My mind is on warp speed and I can't slow it down. I tried calling A but apparently she's truly not speaking to me. She just ignores me. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't have the wherewithal to do something drastic to end up.

So I just sit here wishing I did....but knowing I won't.

Life

2011-12-05T04:56:00.001-08:00

I wish therapists understood the degree in which BPD's (or me, at least) think about suicide. It's not something I wish to do for attention nor is it something I want to follow through with.

In fact, I am terrified at the thought of it.

But sometimes the thoughts are so overwhelming. I sit on the bathroom floor, pills in hand, tempting myself. I know if I don't down them all at once, I won't follow through. I know if I start with one at the time I'll get scared after five or six. I don't wish to have these thoughts and I have done all I can to wish them away. I have come to the conclusion that God hates me. These thoughts have resulted in every therapist I have ever had walking away from me. People just walk out of my life unaffected as if I never met them. They are... Frustrated. Angry. Confused. Hurt. And it makes me feel even more unloved because their love for me feels conditional and superficial.

Throughout my life, people have walked away from me, thrown me away like yesterday's trash. My own father, my sister, my husband, so many friends I can't count them all. Even when I was little, I was never important enough for someone to take me from my mother or get me some psychological help. Nobody ever asked me how I felt when my mother constantly threw her emotional needs in my direction. I couldn't handle it. I was a child. And yet, even as a child, I knew I was not loved or wanted. I knew that nobody cared how I felt or cared enough to step in and intervene so that I could live a normal life.

And here is the product. I am the person who was not abused enough for someone to intervene. No one was beating me or sexually abusing me, so I was left to cope with emotional abuse instead. And everyone in my path turned their head another direction. When I acted out, I was blamed. I turned into a little liar as a little girl. I lied about stupid things for no apparent reason. I once told a vice principle made an inappropriate comment and it was all a lie. I was shunned by other kids and always the one left out of the birthday invitation. I spent my high school years in my lonely head with few friends because my mother ran them off and didn't allow me to do school activities. I failed in grades in middle and high school. I became the one no one wanted to be around.

And yet, at almost 30, nothing has changed.

Sad

2011-11-24T04:28:00.000-08:00

If you're looking for a thankful Thanksgiving post, you might want to stop reading now.

I'm so tired. I have so much to confess...here, somewhere. I don't want to be here...in this house, on this planet. I'm stuck. My mind, my body....I just wish I knew the way out.

Can a Borderline Truly Love?

2011-11-19T06:06:00.000-08:00

I was reading a message board the other day that truly stomped all over my heart. Someone asked the question that went something along the lines of, "Can borderlines truly love others?" The responses were devastating to me. I saw things like, "No, they have superficial love that only benefits themselves" and "They can't love because they don't have valid emotions." One guy was talking about his ex-wife who was constantly suicidal and he couldn't take it anymore. I wondered if it was J. A few people claiming to be therapists chimed in and said they refuse to work with BPD people and that BPD's were the most difficult to try to work with because they don't make progress.

I don't have valid emotions... So this is why no one cares what I think, say, or do... Well, they care what I do when it starts affecting them like my overdose affected A, but then it's only their emotions that count - not mine.

I just wanted to lay down in a heap and cry. But that would be worthless tears because my emotions are not real.

Awesome.

Some experts believe that what causes BPD is having an invalidating childhood. I guess adulthood is no different because my feelings aren't valid even now.

J confessed to me the other day that A said I had BPD and I was on the Dissociative Disorder spectrum. He has no clue what that means. All he knows is my feelings don't count.

Inlaws are Stupid

2011-11-09T13:41:00.000-08:00

You know, I think what bothers me more than anything about J is that he thinks he has no issues. He believes that it's all me, all the time. And yet he will rattle on about how dysfunctional his sisters are, how they always have been and how crazy his mother is and how his father hates him.... He has told me about their drug use, his mother's thefts, her embezzlement, her ridiculous tirades she went on when he was a child and her complete neglect of him in every way imaginable. She is, I believe, 100% certifiably nuts. She tells stories about what a wonderful mother is and everyone knows -- EVERYONE KNOWS -- it's all a lie. She tells about how she was so abused as a child and her own family gives me nods across the table letting me know she's a liar.

He admits his youngest sister hates him. She told him his father was not really his biological father and introduced him to acid when he was 18. Her life has been on self destruct since the day she was born and she then perpetuated that onto J. The bottom line, she is jealous of him. His older sister is a pathological liar. When J's niece was 10, she came to me and told me her 12 year old brother was molesting her. I did what anyone would do, I told her mother. She didn't believe her daughter and then convinced her that I somehow "made" her say it and that it never happened.

Umm, okay. Let's live in denial a little bit longer. This 12 year old is now 20ish and cannot keep a job, cannot stay in college (although his mother will lie and say he's in college) and has a plethora of legal issues he's trying to avoid. He pulled a gun on his own father and has been arrested for drugs and a number of other things -- yep, public record. It's par for the course in this family. His niece, now 18 going on 2 is a total idiot. She couldn't stay in high school, so her mother put her in dance. Sadly, the people at the dance company think they're all fruit loops (I have friends that have children there and I know a few others who go there). This is a child that I once treated better than her own mother did. A child I took for pictures, did her hair, kept her for weeks because her mother was too strung out to take care of her. And they have turned her against me with their lies.

His family is, to say the very least, dysfunctional.

My ex-mother-in-laws sister and two of her cousins are very close friends of mine. Both are aware of the issues I have had with her and understand (boy do they understand) how poisonous this woman is. I keep hoping she will drop dead of a heart attack but apparently my black magic doesn't work anymore. Speaking of, an anonymous person sent her a voodoo doll once (can you see how loved she is?). Damn. I wish I had thought of that.

And yet, J thinks he came out of this dysfunction unscathed. He remembers being 6 years old, home alone, and there was no food in the house. He remembers neighbors who didn't allow their children to be around them because his sisters drank and did drugs before they were 13.

He's normal and I'm not.

Emotion Overload

2011-11-07T16:40:00.001-08:00

My emotions are truly on overload right now. I go from being okay in the morning to contemplating suicide in the afternoon to just walking around feeling sad 99% of the time. I scald myself in the shower just so I can feel something. I cry in the shower a lot. I forget the simplest things and my speech slurs when I least expect it. I am more affected by my overdose than I thought I would be at this point. I lose my balance easy. I lose track of time easier. I have gained almost 10 pounds.

I was thinking about going back to my divorce support group this week. I don't know if I will. Amy told me to be sure not to mention suicide in the group because it "scares people" and is not the appropriate environment. Like it scares her, I'm sure. I guess I can understand the fear that rises up in a person when someone says they're suicidal. Maybe they feel they now have an obligation to "do" something to stop that person. Sadly, they have no idea that nothing can be done. If a person wants to do it, a three-day hospital stint only gives them more time to think it through. Trust me, I know.

I was sitting here in my favorite chair last night with a little drink (mix some Hpnotic with some Fusion, ladies...you can thank me later) and The Help. It's my second time reading it. I love that book even though I cry all the way through it. Perhaps it is a desperate attempt to transpose my sadness into something else. I don't want to be sad over my divorce. I don't want to be sad over not seeing A anymore. I don't want to be sad over my dad not speaking to me. I'd rather be sad over The Help. It doesn't hurt so much.

I went to my friend Bridget's for a couple of hours today. Our mutual friend Amanda was there and we always laugh a lot so it was good for me. We went to see Tower Heist Friday night. Bridget snuck liquor into the theater and since I was driving, I let her have at it all by herself. She started laughing in the middle of the movie because some dude sat in front of us with not only bad smelling cologne, but some really strong, bad smelling cologne. We were trapped in the middle of the theater and had nowhere to go to get away from it. That shit gave me a headache in about 30 seconds, but it was funnier than the movie for some reason. made funnier by the drunk person next to me who kept snorting when she laughed. I am surprised we didn't get kicked out of the theater because we were all laughing so hard for so long at inappropriate times, but I really needed that evening to just let go. I had forgotten how immature I can be when I get around friends my own age.

I got a new cat. I'm not sure if I mentioned her hear or not. Maybe I'll post a pic later of her. She is the sweetest little thing. She's sitting here playing with my scrunchy. J was none too happy that I got her since I am still living here.
Is this even my house?
I guess I am just living here rent-free - as J likes to put it.
*sigh*
I'm still doing his laundry, cooking his meals, cleaning his house, sleeping in our bed. And yet, I am not married to this man. My name is off the house. My debt is in his name (except the medical debt from my accident and overdose). He doesn't have to pay me alimony as long as I live here. I want to move out really bad, but my credit is shot and I'm trying to pay off these medical bills. I hope to be gone before the New Year. I'm waiting for my stipend check from school. I'm thinking it will be close to $5000. Let it come soon!

I think I'll go to church this Sunday.

Avoiding Life

2011-11-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have been avoiding my blog lately. I just feel so many painful emotions rise up in me when I write here. Maybe because it reminds me of the therapist I no longer have. I miss her so much.

Amy (new therapist -- have you ever noticed that therapist says the rapist? weird.) is okay. I have some concerns with her. My financial situation has changed a lot (for the worse) and she has offered to see me for $20 a session. That's amazing. She said it was because she wants me to understand that she won't abandon me and wants to treat me. I'm so untrusting of those words. It doesn't even do anything except hurt me to hear it because I know it's all a lie.

Maybe I need some advice. I haven't been able to tell anyone in my real life this, but, Amy tells me her own stuff. You know what I mean? She words it as she is relating to me when she tells me she understands, but today she told me about this theraputic work she was doing and how her mother was never available to her and how she grew up thinking she was stupid and she was bullied as a child. It doesn't feel good to me. She told me how she went to this retreat where the therapist that was assigned to her "held" her while she cried. It felt strange, but it makes me think she's not mentally able to handle me. I need someone emotionally strong and that -- she is not. I feel like she is emotionally fragile. I told her that today and she then changed and tried to convince me she can handle anything I throw at her.

Sigh.

I'm so tired. I'm just really finding myself walking around feeling sad all the time. I have had run-ins with Danica. She's not speaking to me and today she slammed a door on me. I was the last one out of the restaurant and she let go of the door. It hit me on the arm. She sent me a bunch of texts I didn't reply to and said things like "J deserves a medal for putting up with you!" and "Everybody in your life leaves you!" It only added to my sadness, though. I feel abandoned by God, by people, my dad.... I don't even think I believe in God anymore. Maybe there's just a great ball of nothingness out there. I can only hope for that. I just want to be some place that I don't think or feel. It hurts too much.

School is okay. Everything else notsomuch.

Update

2011-10-26T04:41:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone, Hope you're all doing okay. I am "okay" too, I guess. I have my good days and my bad days. Today just... is. I find myself wanting to say "I don't know" when someone asks how I'm feeling. Usually I don't know. I feel sort of flat, I guess. I avoid my feelings as much as possible.

I have a whole bunch of school work to do, but the thought feels overwhelming right now. I was cruising Facebook this morning and I clicked on a friend's who had lots of family pictures up from a fall festival. What I would give to have family right now. My dad still isn't speaking to me. He text'd me a couple of times, and I kind of got my hopes up that he would call, but he never did. I'm trying not to hope for anything right now because I just seem to be let down. He doesn't care and now I'm realizing he never did.

My divorce is final, in the event you didn't know. J and I are still living in the same house, which feels odd. I know the only reason he wants me here is because it's easier on him financially. One thing that does rest my soul is knowing I am no longer in his family. His family is awful....ugh. I won't get started. His mother and sisters are destructive, evil people. If I had known how they were, I would never have married him. Never. I think back to my co-workers at the time pleading with me not to marry him. My sister once ran into us at the mall when I was with his J's sister and she thought they looked like trash...and they did. I was just blind to it. I have never met a single person that has ever said anything good about them. In fact, a friend of mine I was speaking to awhile back told me she actually feels sick to her stomach when she thinks of them. Sad. They left a miserable legacy with their lies and theft. I would love to see my mother-in-law in prison for the people she has stolen from. I think the company she worked for is still investigating and stuff like that takes time. There was no possible way for those idiots to understand my issues when they had more than I did. They'll never understand how much they have hurt their son.

School is going well. I ended Algebra with a 84 (B) and I was okay with that. My GPA is no longer a 4.0, but it's close. I ended my Positive Psych class with a 97. Some of these psych classes are hard for me because I am writing about things like nature versus nurture, attachment disorders, etc.... Sometimes it's a painful process, but I keep telling myself I can get through it.

I'm supposed to see V today, if she doesn't cancel. Amy is on vacation this week and I'm glad. I didn't feel like dealing with anything. I've been depressed a lot, but that's nothing new. I just feel so empty, you know? Like nothing anyone says or does makes me feel better.

My volunteering is going okay. There has been some bickering between a few of the board members and since I'm secretary, I get drug into it all. I don't like confrontation so I don't side with anyone if I can help it. I think everyone regrets getting Danica involved. She wasn't voted in, but was put there by the President because the treasurer quit at the last minute. Danica ran for Vice President and lost, but the lady who beat her is kind of causing some problems by not doing her job. Then Danica steps in and she and her OCD/hypochondria/paranoia -- whatever her diagnosis is -- just makes it all worse. I'm not sure what we're going to end up doing, but I told them Friday I am going to quit if it doesn't stop. I have enough to deal with and thankfully I'm not involved in the arguing, but it stresses me out. Of course, not using a measuring cup to make macaroni and cheese stresses me out too, so I guess that's expected.

I went to the state fair a couple weeks ago. It was so much fun. I hadn't let loose like that in awhile. I went with a bunch of other people and we rode rides until I thought we would throw up!

I have gained so much weight. I went to the doctor Monday and I've gained 7 pounds since May. Umm, telling that to a person that has a history of an ED is reaaaaaaally a bad idea. But he didn't know and he was nice enough. He told me it was unstandable since I had been through so much. He wants to check my thyroid in January. He was the only doctor I could find that would see me without health insurance.

Speaking of health insurance...
I may not be seeing Amy anymore. I don't even care. She frustrates me so much.

Oh, well. I won't bore you all anymore. Just wanted to check in.

Can't Write

2011-10-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

I try to write but the words don't come. I used to find healing in untangling my thoughts on a page, but now all I find is complaints and hurt and sadness and regret. Why don't we get a do-over in this life? If I could stop watching near death experiences on Youtube, maybe I wouldn't want to die so bad.

Therapy

2011-09-21T20:37:00.001-07:00

Thank you everyone who has emailed and commented and stayed in touch with me. I feel like I've been a selfish twit. I just need to get my shit together to survive this.....whatever it is that has happened to my life.

I saw Amy again today and I just broke down crying hysterically. Truthfully, I was crying for an hour and a half before I ever went. On my way there some lady ran a red light and nearly slammed right into me. That's all I need, right? Anyway, she asked me if she could hug me and my body froze. I don't want her touching me. I'll get attached. I'll get weirdly attached. She said it was a good session and I was so strong and capable and she started making list of positives she saw in me and ....I zoned it out. It's so hard for me to believe that when I am sitting here with a birds eye view of a path destruction directly behind me.

I ended up telling her several incidences I had over the years with my mother. The things she said to me, how she taunted me and controlled me with her suicidality and how scared I am that I have turned into Crazy Crystal. God, I look just like her and now I act just like her. I hate that side of me. I hate it.

On a less depressing note, do any of you watch Dance Moms? I am totally addicted to watching it.

I Is...

2011-09-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

I went to see The Help for the second time this afternoon. If you have not seen this movie, I would encourage you to please do go see it. It is amazingly wonderful. It makes you laugh, cry, and laugh and cry. So well written and I can't wait to read the book.

I went with some friends from my volunteer organization. They cried with me. We cried for The Help, we cried for the babies, we laughed when they got a little revenge and cried when they found their freedom.

So now I have a theme running through my head....

I is smart. I is kind. I is important.

Improper grammar.
No big words.
So much meaning.

I wish I had an Abilene in my life growing up. Such a beautiful soul.

It never ceases to amaze me how we treat one another in this life. We put people on our Facebook and ignore them when we see them in public. We ignore each other's birthdays, painful dates or holidays that are hard. We rarely want to hear more than an "I'm fine" when we ask someone how they are.

And I know.

...not because I look around me and see others doing it, but because I am guilty of it myself. And I feel enormous guilt for it. A weight of regret that is hard to describe. Moments in time where I wish I could go back and apologize to someone for my behavior, have a do-over so I don't make the same mistakes.

A second chance.
But life is a learning process...and how long can I blame mental illness?

Yesterday was a hard day. I ended up seeing Amy today and am going back to her tomorrow. My divorce is final and I have no health insurance. V is nowhere to be found and I am sitting in my bed - the bed J and I once shared - alone. My thoughts run amuck. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to. My mind goes to dark places.

Then I watch a movie that jars me into some sort of twisted reality and I feel guilty for complaining when there are people so mistreated in this world.

A Little Better

2011-09-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

I am doing a little bit better. I've been continuing my therapy with Amy and my divorce was finalized on Monday, the 12th. I told J to go ahead and call his family so they can throw a party. I'm sure they did, although he denied it. He then told me he wouldn't mind if I stayed here until April 2013 when I get my settlement.

Really? No. I can't move on by doing that and I refuse to live like his parents and sister who divorced their spouses and still live together. That's really stupid.

As of now, I have no health insurance.

I am 5 weeks into my 9 week semester and I have a 100 in Positive Psychology (oh, the irony) and a 94 in Algebra II.

My mind still wanders over into suicide a good bit and I cry a lot. I cried in front of Amy for the first time on Thursday. I don't know why I was holding that back so much. I'm not really going to the support group right now, but I might pop in next week. I liked it better when Amy was heading it.

Oh, well...Sorry it's boring. Just wanted to say I'm alive still... whether that's good or bad depends on who you ask, I suppose.

I'm just trying to move on. . .

My friend is dead and I'm...not

2011-09-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

I'm almost sick of hearing myself say it.

I am obsessing over the sudden death of a friend. She died last Thursday. She was 24, healthy and had just had a baby 3 weeks ago. The autopsy showed she didn't have a stroke like it was suspected. She didn't have a heart attack either. In fact, her death is a mystery and some of the suspicion is being cast in her husband's direction, but the coroner said it could be two months before her family knows what exactly happened.

Ashley loved life. She was such a gift in this world. Her mother had spent the day with her and she kept commenting that she felt dizzy and weak and had moments where she felt like she was blind. Her mother thought she was just tired from having just recently had a baby. Her husband said she was very 'sickly' the evening before she died. He woke up at 3 am to Ashley having what sounds like a seizure. And she was dead as quick as he could get help to her. He called 911, but it was too late. Her eyes were fixed and dilated and she was blue. Her mom called me and I rushed to their house the next morning. They are devastated and the sweet baby girl named Emma has no mother.

In some odd way that I'd only admit here on my blog, I am jealous and feeling abandoned by God. Why take someone who had so much to offer this world and leave someone useless like me here?

I don't understand.

She had a mom who loved her dearly, she had 12 (yes, 12!) brothers and sisters. She has tons of friends and a large family. She was loved by her inlaws and she wanted nothing more than her sweet baby girl. I've known her since we were 16 and hadn't spoken with her in awhile simply because our schedules were never the same. Now I will never see her again. Ever. And the reality of that is an odd feeling...and once again, I am in the in between.

Boring Update

2011-08-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for the nice words you've all written to me. I am sorry it takes so long to get back to you via email or even on here. I just rarely have the energy or wherewithal to even get on the computer for much other than school.

I found out I passed math with a C and not a D (4.0 has been gone a long, long time). I might have already said that, but I'm too lazy to look. I'm in Algebra 117 now and Positive Psychology. Go me. I have a 100 in psych and a 98 in math, but don't get too excited - it's only Week 2. At University of Phoenix, you change classes every 9 weeks. I like doing online school because for someone like me with mental illness (and I am quite aware that I don't just have BPD), I can choose the days I work. Sometimes I can't do school work in the mornings, so I can do it in the evenings and sometimes I can't work on Monday so I wait till Tuesday. I am getting into classes that are like much harder than before and some of them are wanting assignments on specific days whereas before, I could just make sure I worked on 4 out of 7 days between Monday and midnight on the next Sunday. I know it's confusing. It took me some time to get it.

Anyway, I don't know how much sense this makes, but I do have a Week 1 and 2 algebra exam do by tomorrow and like a 2,000 word paper due for psych tomorrow. I just finished about 200 polynomials and my eyes are starting to go blurry.

I'm not going to have health insurance once the judge signs the divorce papers which is apparently any time between now and 1 year. Amy takes my insurance and my copay is $20. My visits are unlimited. I am seriously going to pass out or throw up. All of this time I was paying Dr. H $280 a week because Blue Cross sucks major donkey balls when it comes to paying and now I can almost go for free and now I'm losing it. After I begged J to continue to keep me on his health insurance (with much drama and flare, I assure you), he said he can't. Something about his employer refusing to pay if we're not married.

My attorney also sent me a $413 bill which is above the $750 I've already paid him. I was totally not expecting that. I also have a huge amount of hospital debt above and beyond insurance. I can't even think about it without flying up to the corner of the room, rocking back and forth mumbling nonsensically. Ugh. I have a collection agency calling my phone. I considered telling them I just recently attempted suicide and they weren't helping matters, but I know it won't do any good and I don't want to set myself up for someone to be nasty to me. My credit is shot to hell and back. I owe the hospital over $2000 and I owe the psych ward about the same -- this is all AFTER insurance. Oh, I also have to pay the fire department, the police department, and the paramedics (all separate) for their visit to my house the day J called 911 when I overdosed. Apparently when it's self inflicted, they make the person pay for it. For the record, this was the WORST hospital stay I've ever had in regards to how I was treated by medical staff for overdosing.

In the event you're wondering if I can pay for all of this, the answer is no. So I'm considering moving to Uzbekistan for awhile.

Speaking of Uzebekistan, I know I never talk about much here other than my own mental health issues so I was just reading this story and I'm sitting here thinking that I have done some dumbass things in my life, but who thought Americans hiking along the border of Iraq and Iran was a good idea? My sympathy is with the families and these men, but ummm, maybe they were trying to get on an episode "Locked Up Abroad?"

Well, I'm running out of things to say and I'm sure your boredom meter is off the charts. I just want to sleep today so I don't have to think.

2011-08-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the support from all of you. I am so conflicted right now. J spent another day home from work because of his Crohn's flare-up. I was off with my volunteer organization most of the morning and I came home (I still live here because I haven't been able to afford to leave, but I know where I am going) after calling several times to check on him and he's talking like he has a sore throat. He is dehydrating. He looks like death. He is pale, feverish, and bleeding. He has called the doctor several times to increase his medicine, but they haven't called back. So he wants me to call and "scream at them" for him because, as he says, "I know what to say and can get them to listen better than he can."

And I do it. I don't do it because he is the man who loves me, but I am a woman who doesn't want to see him suffer despite what he has put me through. He is totally abandoning me and yet, I will not do the same to him.

Why am I like this?

My friends tell me to just not speak to him, let him do his own thing, and not worry about him. Go off with friends, ignore him. But it's so hard. I love him. I really do... and I don't want this divorce, but I want a husband who understands my mental illness. J just doesn't get it. I'm "faking" according to him and I can control its hold on me. I should be grateful, he says, that it's not physical.

Why is it that I can cook his meals, hold his hand, modify what I cook for him, ask how he's feeling, call and check on him when I'm gone or he's gone and he never has and never will reciprocate that? I mean, why can't I just let it go? The man doesn't love me. He said he wished he had never married me. He said if he had it to do over, he never would have done it. He said I was a pitiful excuse for a wife.

I'll share something with all of you... part of me thinks if I am good to him now, if I show him the love I feel for him even when he's sick, that he won't want to be divorced anymore. I guess I don't think I deserve better because the fact of the matter is, J has never treated me like he should have and I have exhausted myself trying to keep our marriage together. Almost to the point of dying.

V said yesterday that she thinks I am doing better now simply because he can't hold divorce over my head anymore. Maybe she's right. Maybe I am better off without him, but I will never even as much as date again. A man doesn't deserve for me to bulldoze through his life...and J didn't deserve it and Dr. H didn't deserve it.

I am my own worst enemy. I have so many different and conflicting opinions and I just want to think things clearly through before acting on them. I was doing so much better before my overdose on May 13th. I really was, I promise. I wasn't acting on impulses for a very long time. I was having a bad week, Dr. H cancelled on me umpteen times and J was threatening divorce and I was just so tired. I didn't do it to have everyone leave me. I didn't.

Self fulfilling prophecy -- I fear I am abandoned and therefore I am.

Bad Day

2011-08-23T17:01:00.000-07:00

As much as the words are on my heart, they still feel too painful to share. Today was a horrible day. I spent most of it crying tears of regret and anger and frustration.

I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this here before, but J has Crohn's Disease. He has been diagnosed since he was 21, but until the recent few months, had been doing fine. The past month, he has been very sick...having to use the bathroom every 30 minutes even during the middle of the night, bleeding, cramping, throwing up often, fever, chills...the whole bit. He's pale and looks like walking death. Today he sounded hoarse and I told him he needed to go back to the doctor because he seems dehydrated. He responded, "I'll be fine."

Okay.

Crohn's can flare up due to stress, so take a wild guess at who is blaming themself for this.

Yeah, me.

The medicine isn't working. The doctor's won't call him back. I'm taking care of the man who "doesn't want to live like this for 50 more years" and has divorced me for being sick. The irony of it all.

Today it just all piled up once again. I flew off the handle. I yelled and screamed at him. I slammed doors (that makes a girl feel so much better).

I cried and yelled some more.

At him.
At myself.
At Dr. H for fucking abandoning me when she said she would never do that.
At life.
At death.
At child abuse.
At BPD for ruining my life.
At God for even bothering to let me live.
I just want to fall into a million pieces on the floor and be put back together again so I can finally be whole. So sick of being sick.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Here I am taking care of J...making sure he is okay, worrying about him, going to the doctor with him, picking up his prescriptions, cooking his dinner that I have modified for his diet, ironing his clothes, doing his laundry, cleaning his house (which technically isn't mine anymore).

And he's sick.
And I said to him, "You know what J? This illness you have, it's no different than what I have. It's NO different. I can't control this any more than you can control Crohn's Disease."

His response was, "I disagree."

I said, "You disagree? You think I CHOOSE this? You think I want to be like this? You think I can control it?!"

"Yes, I do."

Wow. Just amazing. I just get up every morning and say, "I think I'll go overdose and ruin my life today."

Isn't that like getting up saying, "I think I feel like a woman today!"? I mean, honestly. Haven't you heard the saying, "when you're physically sick, people throw roses but when you're mentally sick, people throw bricks."?

So true.

I said, "I know you're uneducated about mental illness, but let me just challenge you to stop going to the bathroom for the next three days, since you've been going every 30 minutes, and then come back and tell me how much you could control your Crohn's Disease."

He said nothing.
I walked away.
And at the end of the day, he's divorcing me because I am sick.
I guess a vow means nothing.
I'm not sure why I expect anyone to keep their word to me. No one ever has. Ever.
So why do I even bother to try?

Hey

2011-08-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

So, I am still alive. I guess that's a good thing. I'm still seeing Amy and going to my divorce support group. The divorce papers went to the lawyer on 8/11. It's hitting me now. I miss my life that I didn't know I had.

A still hasn't contacted me. I miss her like crazy and my heart aches to think about how she betrayed me.

Thank you all for waiting for me patiently. I'm getting better. I managed somehow to pass algebra and ethics last semester and I am on to algebra 2 and positive psychology. I guess it couldn't come at a better time. I am finding more time to work on school and trying not to be too hard on myself. I keep having dreams that I'm dying and going to hell.

My neurological symptoms from my overdose are almost gone. I have a few reminders here and there when I slur my words or can't think of a word I am looking for, but the neurologist (who was a total jerk, by the way) released me. He also said, "See you at your next overdose!" Asshole.
And last week was my week to find weird doctors. The new psychiatrist kept telling me how beautiful I was and hugged me when I left. I was extremely uncomfortable. He said "fuck" at least five times - which is really not reserved for people in a professional setting, you know?

I feel like I'm just updating mundane junk that no one cares about but honestly, it just hurts to much to go into the pain and details of it all. I just can't do it anymore. Amy said that I was "reluctant" to trust her. Ya think?

I'm done babbling. Sorry I am such a loner right now. I still have to get my own act together.

Soon.

Saving Money

2011-08-06T07:06:00.001-07:00

Amy asked me what a typical day was like for me right now and I said I didn't know. No day feels typical for me. When I get up in the morning, my first thought is that I don't want to get out of bed. I want to sleep and not dream. I want sleep through my life. I want to die in my sleep. I don't wake up feeling okay anymore. I want to overdose on sleeping pills...sometimes to die and sometimes to just forget.

Yesterday I woke up and got myself out of the house. I went to the bank and opened a savings account for myself. It only has $346 in it, but I'm going to try to add more money every week. I used to work as a teller for a bank and one of my coworkers was only 19 years old. She came from a bad childhood, a single parent home where she basically raised herself. Anyway, despite her young age, she had some really awesome financial advice and so I have decided to try it. I watched her open a savings account and deposit small amounts of money --- sometimes it was only $2-$5, but she did it often and in doing that, she saved about $3000 over a two-month period.

I was impressed!

So I started my account with $200 cash and then J owed me $140, so I just added that to it and I had $6 in change. :) You never know...maybe I can actually NOT touch it for a little while. I'll be responsible for my bills now and I've never been very good at that so I want to try to be better about it if I can.

I worked at my volunteer organization yesterday and went to lunch with my friend, Danica. I broke down recently and told her my diagnosis. She has a BA in psychology so she wasn't totally blind to it. I just waited for her to tell me to get lost, but she didn't. I don't know where this friendship will go.

I can't write anymore. I feel like I'm out of it and I need to start working on my finals. Hope you all have a great weekend.

Papers are Signed

2011-08-03T16:28:00.001-07:00

We signed divorce papers yesterday. It hit me suddenly and hard and I cried all the way home. I felt so alone in this world and I laid on my bed staring at the wall until I fell asleep. Mental illness is not fair. When you have a physical problem, something people can see and give you medicine to feel better, people bring you dinner cooked and flowers with get well soon cards. But when it's mental illness, people run from you - they don't want to deal with it and some even think you're making it up.

At one point yesterday, I just didn't think I'd make it home and I was worried about what I might do when I actually walked through the door. More thoughts of suicide - of hanging myself, of overdosing, flooded me. Dr. H has totally abandoned me and my father is still not speaking to me, so I don't think I could screw up any more than I already have. I have failed marriage, family, therapy, and even suicide.

I don't know what is making me get out of bed in the mornings. I'm just going through the motions of life and decided, somehow, to be numb today.

I spent the day with some friends, but it hasn't helped. They've been so understanding and people keep commenting about how well I'm handling this. One of my friends refused to speak to J when we saw her and believe me, he noticed.

I'm barely passing my classes. Algebra and Ethics are apparently not in my brain vault.

I missed my divorce support group last week. I thought it was tonight, but it was last week. I don't keep track of time very well lately. I went to Amy, the new therapist. I don't particularly like her all that much because she seems very cold. I don't know how to explain it. She's not warm and inviting like Dr. H. I miss her so much.

J deserves better than me. He really does. I don't blame him at all. I don't blame Dr. H either. It's my own screwed up mind and the fact is, I am untreatable.
It has taken my soul.

I can't even write anymore.

Not Much Has Changed

2011-07-22T19:04:00.001-07:00

First, thank you to everyone for checking up on me. I appreciate the concerns.

Things are about the same. I'm still hanging on, albeit a thread usually. I have some pretty close friends that have been helping me through my days by apartment shopping (still)...trying to find something affordable. It has almost become routine to set out my day going apartment to apartment to condo to apartment. I think if I ever ride on another golf cart, it will be too soon. I have narrowed my places to three. It's been interesting...met a few friendly people, came close to cussing a few out and have eaten a lot of courtesy food. Really...homeless people should just go visit apartment complexes under the guise of looking for a place to live. They feed you. One place even had a movie theater INSIDE the clubhouse. Crazy.

J and I are speaking but it's weird. He sleeps on the couch and I overdose myself on sleeping meds. I have dreams of Dr. H rejecting me and just the other night, I had a dream she took me back. I still can't talk about her without bursting into tears and I don't think I have ever loved and hated someone so much in all of my life. I have to let it go, though. I haven't contacted her. I'm sure she doesn't give me a second thought and that truly breaks my heart.

Anyway, I'm still seeing Amy. She's really nice...I am giving her a chance. I've gone back and forth from seeing her to not seeing her, you know? She has her good points, but she strikes me as being somewhat flakey and I don't like thinking I'm smarter than my therapist. I'm willing to give her a chance. I had to sign a "contract" that I wouldn't hurt myself. Believe me, it's only worth what it's written on and that's as far as it goes. She can leave me if she wants to. I really don't care.

She headed my support group (the divorce one) but next week is her last week doing it so someone else is taking over and I got to meet her. I thought it was nice of Amy to let me know she was leaving the group before she told everyone else (I think me and one other girl are her only personal clients). She said she imagined I didn't like surprises. Dr. H would never have done that.

School is not going very well. I have a 79 in algebra and not much better in ethics. I'm doing all I can do right now. I'm trying, but like yesterday, I couldn't formulate anything that made sense and just finally shut my laptop down and laid down and cried until I fell asleep.

I just want to feel better. Unfortunately, better feels too far away from me. I have moments where I see the sun, but more where all I feel is darkness. In those times, I plot suicide and when asked if I'm okay, I just usually say, "I'm fine."

I haven't talked to V lately. I haven't talked to many people actually. One friend has been really sweet to go with me apartment hunting and spending time with me. She's in my volunteer group. Soon I'll be back in the swing of that, I hope.

Sorry this is so all over the place. I'm just trying to update and make sense of this crazy life that I never wanted for myself, you know?

I still just want to die if dying meant I'd feel better. If for one minute I thought life would improve for me, I'd fight through it. That's as much as I can hope for right now.

I guess that's confusing.

Really Struggling

2011-07-13T05:56:00.000-07:00

I am really struggling right now. Amy is a good therapist. She's kind, soft spoken and I like her, but in the back of my mind, it feels all wrong. I should be in Dr. H's office, not hers. It just doesn't feel right and every time I walk through her front door, I want to burst out in tears. She wants to collaborate with a 'team' to discuss the best options for me, but one of the therapist's she wants me to see wants $200 a session. My depression has just gottten out of control and all I do all day long right now is cry. I cry in the shower. I cry getting dressed. I cry sitting here writing this. I'm so exhausted from all that has happened and so angry with Dr. H., with myself for not succeeding in killing myself and for not having the wherewithall to go ahead and do it.

I read a message board online the other day where people were discussing suicide and someone wrote, "people who want to kill themselves don't talk about it - they just do it." I wonder if this is true. I am perpetually on the border of suicide and life. It's because I don't want to die - not really. I want life to work, but I don't want it to hurt so much anymore.

The psych ward sent me home with Zoloft and a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, Multiple Episode, so I found a psychiatrist on the other side of town and didn't tell anyone I was going. I walked right in and played Ms. NormalasIcan and told him the only thing that ever worked for me was Elavil and Restoril. That's what I overdosed on -- obviously unsuccessfully. In my heart I know that this is just more mind games I'm playing with myself, with the psychiatrist, with whoever listens, but I need those medications. I need to sleep. I need to knock myself out so I don't dream or even realize the day has passed. I want to sleep through my days so I don't have to think. When I'm having a really bad day, I just want to sleep.

He handed me the prescriptions and with a smile on his face, trying to chit chat with me, I walked out thinking, "Just give me the damn prescriptions so I can go fill them."

He commented how dangerous an Elavil overdose is. I didn't mention that I'd only been home from the hospital for 3 weeks and simply said, "Yeah, no worries there."

Hmmm.

I have not moved out yet. I found the apartment I am moving into, but I can't go until the divorce paperwork is in my hand so I have proof I have income. J is paying me alimony - a somewhat substantial amount. I mentioned before here that his company sold and he's gettting a settlement in 2013. I am getting a portion of it, so I just need an apartment until I get the money to buy a house. He's also paying my car payment and releasing me of our combined debt. I'm starting with a clean slate, but I'll be living on about $2800 a month.

I have only had contact with one friend lately. She knows most everything about me (except that I have the same pills I started with). Otherwise, I am working on and struggling in school. I'm taking Algebra I and Ethics - Culutural Diversity this semester and I am working on maintaining a B in each class. Cultural Diversity is about as interesting as watching paint dry and Algebra is tough or me.

I have so many things I want to tell Dr. H. :(

I am going to a divorce support group and I do like it. It helps. I can see tonight I'll be crying the whole time, though, and I don't want the focus to be on me. I just can't get through my day without crying over every little thing -- the mail is later than normal, I cry.

V is seeing me today at 1. I'm sure I'll cry my way through that too. She is always trying to get me to go inpatient. Maybe my first therapist is right - she always claimed I needed long-term inpatient.

In order to stay alive, I feel like I need to be in some sort of mental health facility -- assisted living or something. I don't know. I'm so scared I'm going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

I don't want to die, friends. I don't. I just don't want to hurt so much anymore.

Getting Back on My Feet

2011-07-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

I want to start writing again. I think it would help me to be able to untangle the thoughts in my head right now. I'm nervous about being on my own, but now I know it isn't impossible. I am catching up with school and trying to get to therapy and my support group.

Please be patient with me. I will start my blog back and hopefully be able to support you all in return. In the meantime, thank you for supporting me. It means a lot to me.

Been Around

2011-07-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I haven't been online much lately. I haven't even checked my email in about a week. I have therapy with the new therapist tomorrow. I can't say whether I like her or not. She's all right. Maybe she can help me.

I'm excited about moving into my apartment. I think V was right when she said she noticed I was more stable now that J is divorcing me than I am otherwise. I think it's partially because I don't have the threat hanging over my head all the time. He constantly reminded me that I'd be abandoned.

So I came to a few conclusions. I don't think I am good for any relationship right now. I mean, friendship or otherwise. I have too many abandonment issues so perhaps being alone is my only choice. This is so I don't get hurt and I don't hurt others.

Wishing I Could Write Again

2011-06-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

The words just aren't coming to me. I've had a weighty day and basically cried through every human interaction I have had for the last three weeks. I feel like I'm numbing out to some of it and frankly, this is the first time in a long time I haven't felt chronically suicidal. I miss Dr. H so much it aches to the core of my being. J doesn't want me. My dad finally cut off communication for good.

I did go to the divorce support group last night and I've met some good friends. I also like my new therapist, Amy. She is very nice. I hope she can help me.

I learned the woman I hit in the accident has retained an attorney. I suppose I am being sued.

Awesome.

I decided to go back to church again and give that another try. My friends have been great. One close friend lost her father on Tuesday so I ordered flowers and am going to the funeral on Saturday. I went up to Hospice after he died and got to see them and him. We spent about an hour and a half with him until the people from the funeral home came to get him. It was sad. He was 78. All I could think of was that 78 years just isn't long enough.

I start wondering what the point of this life is. Where is the hope? Where is the peace? Why does it all have to hurt so much? Why are we born here just to die?

I don't understand the whys of anything anymore.

I'm tired. Sorry I am boring. I'm still not okay. Struggling to stay afloat and hoping I don't get suicidal again.

"New" Therapist

2011-06-15T15:21:00.000-07:00

...I despise writing that title. It aches from the center of my chest all through my body and makes me want to jump out of the chair and run hang myself to end the ache.

Why hello BPD. How are you today?

If you had asked me six months ago if I ever thought my therapist would have dumped me, I would have said no. I feel so (obviously) different now. Mainly, I don't trust anyone. NO ONE. J and I have done nothing but argue despite us trying to be 'amicable' about things. I worry constantly that he's going to go back and change his mind and say I don't deserve anything. I'm just so sad. I just want this all to be a bad dream.

I saw the new therapist today. She's okay. Not super great, but not terrible. Her office is nice. Unfortunately it's the same color as Dr. H's office, which kind of makes me cringe a whole lot.

I'm no better, guys. No better at all. Thoughts are in the same dark place they were 3 weeks ago. I can't write. I can't support anyone. I can't do school. I can't function.

On one good note, I found an apartment. Looks like I can rent it and have about $900 left over after all my bills for the month. It's gated and it's nice. Maybe I'll like being on my own. We'll see.

Please Don't Go

2011-06-12T10:37:00.001-07:00

This morning the first thing I noticed was that I was 1 follower less than yesterday. It's not a big deal, is it? But for me, it feels like people leaving me again. My BPD abandonment issues couldn't be any worse right now. I am constantly on the verge of tears and can't stop thinking about the pills I need to end this.

I've been being asked by Amy and V a lot recently how I feel about all of this and all I can muster is, "I don't know." I do feel horrible, scared, worries, sad, numb, cold, hot, worried.

I have a very good friend who has been amazing to me during all of this and we have gotten very close - which scares me a lot because I don't want her to leave too.

Fact is, I don't feel any less or more suicidal than I did on May 13th and I've not told anyone. If I say that, I'd probably be carried off to rehab again. Not sure I even care. In fact, I almost wish I was there.

I just want to sleep. :(

Sorry my writing has waned so much. I have so much to say and so little energy to write it. I don't want to lose you all as readers and friends. I will be writing again very soon, I hope.

The Damage is Done

2011-06-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

And there is no going back.

With the second overdose, which I did not seek medical treatment for, I have done neurological damage to myself. Probably a combo of the two overdoses in a short period of time. I am shaking when I walk. I run into things, fall over. I slur when I try to talk. I have brain tremors and cannot get out my thoughts. I have headaches and moments of bursting out in tears for no apparent reason. It has taken me 45 minutes and a lot of backspacing to type this one paragraph.

Is this permanent, you ask?

I don't know yet. It does seem to be worse every time I wake up. So much so that I have become afraid to sleep because I dont know if I can move when I wake up.

My head hurts all the time.
I have to follow up with a neurologist but they have yet to get me an appointment.
I probably should be in a medical hospital because I am getting worse.
I have kidney damage, liver damage and possible heart damage. No doubt my brain has been damaged.

J is still divorcing me. I saw an attorney yesterday and had to go through my long list of mental illness symptoms and so on. I am so tired. I am so so tired.

I killed myself with this overdose. It just wasn't instant.
It's slow and it's gradual and it's obvious.
love u all.
will post more when I can.

It Begins and Ends....Badly

2011-06-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

LONGEST POST EVER!!!!

Did you ever see Steel Magnolias? Do you remember the part where Ouiser says, "I'm not crazy, M'Lynn. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!"?

Yeah, that's me.

I'm not even sure where to start with beginning to heal from something that feels so traumatic to me. First Dr. H dumping me and then J filing for divorce (while I was in the psych unit, he filed, naturally). I had no say in the matter nor do I now.

I mean, did I just get up on May 13th and say, "Wow, Addison, go ruin your life today!!"? I don't know how this happened. I don't remember taking the pills, but I will try to piece it together somewhat. I know it's difficult to keep up with me since I deleted all of my posts and I'm sorry. I do want to thank ALL of you who have emailed and posted comments to me. I cannot possibly relate to you how much your support means to me. I know we don't 'know' each other in person and probably never will meet face to face, but you might be surprised how much your words mean to me. I want to also apologize to those who have supported me so much. I am sorry that I am not able to pull myself together enough to be supportive of you right now, but please know that I think about your comments and I read your blogs as much as I can and when I am able to, I will be there for you too.

So....
May 13th. I had an appointment with Dr. H.
Well, let me back up. We had an appointment for May 10th. She called on May 9th to cancel and said she had car trouble out of town.
Fine.
She said she'd call and let me know if she had any cancellations for earlier in the week.
She never called but I called her on Wednesday and she answered and I asked if she had any cancellations and she said no, but she'd called me around 1 to check in. Around 3 when she hadn't called, I text'd her and said, "I thought you were going to call me at 1?" She text'd back that she never had a break and would call me around 7 pm.

And she did. But she called to yell at me for making her worry that I was going to hurt myself because she wasn't available to me and tell me I was being unfair to her other clients because I was wanting her to cancel someone else and put me in (which I NEVER said). I kind of had had a meltdown by the time she called, though, so I was in no mood to be yelled at.
And by yell, she wasn't like screaming. She was just frustrated, I think.

So then she said she'd see me on Friday.
Friday morning, her DAUGHTER calls me to cancel saying she was 'sick' and would call later to reschedule. Her daughter has never called me and after we kind of had words the day before, and I already wasn't doing well....ummm...

Did I mention I am impulsive and I have BPD? When I feel like a relationship is being threatened or I feel abandoned or rejected, I react rather than thinking my actions through and on this day, it was the worst reaction I had ever had, I think.

Well, let me show you what it's like to have this disorder that I am slowly losing the battle with.

I was already melting down and this ONE phone call was the catapult that drove me to sit in Dr. H's parking lot (she cancelled like 15 minutes before the appointment) and take only God knows how many Elavil and Tamazepam. Y'all (sorry I am from the south originally), I am so not kidding when I tell you that I don't even remember freaking taking ONE SINGLE PILL. NOT ONE!!!!

Then, to make matters worse, I STARTED TO DRIVE HOME. Her office is like over an hour from my house. Keep in mind, I am completely out of it....like a drunk person out of it. All I have are flashes from that point on. I didn't even realize I was driving until I smashed into the person in front of me who was at a stop light. Totalled my car. Totalled her car and hit the person in front of her, so she was smashed in between. Thankfully no one was injured severely. I could have really hurt someone else and I would have had to live with that for the rest of my life.

It was truly only by the grace of God that I did not get arrested for driving under the influence. I don't even know how I avoided it. The cop had to be an idiot or lazy because I was literally like passing out as I was trying to talk. When my husband showed up to get me, I could not even walk. He had to carry me to the car and he said the police officer never even acted like it was an issue. Witnesses said I was weaving all over the road before I hit her. All I got was a ticket for following too close.

Let me make this situation a little worse for you....Because, oh, believe me, it does get worse.

Not only did I wreck, but apparently I had called at least 10 people before the wreck who told me to pull over. Including V (my former pastoral counselor) who told me to pull over and she would come get me from where I was. I have no recollection of that conversation at all. I even called a marriage counselor J and I saw back in 2005!! I didn't even have her number in my phone so I had to have called information to get it or looked it up on my phone. I completely didn't even remember her name or even think about her before this happened. How scary is that and why would I do that and even still, HOW did I do that?!

It gets even worse (yes, leave it to me to go out with a literal bang)....

I also had called Dr. H at the point of impact of the wreck. Let me draw a mental picture for you. I have just swallowed so many sedatives that I cannot speak, walk, or even see. I have called my therapist and her voice mail picks up every.single.thing. that happened from that point on. She hears the wreck happen, she hears the cops get there. I guess she has the never ending voice mail because she heard it all. She heard me slurring my words. Uncool. Stupidly uncool.

OMG.
So this is all on Friday, May 13th. Friday, the 13th. Go figure.

J takes me home. I have 4 bottles of pills with me and he hands them to me when we get home (According to his version. I don't remember any of it). I have Elavil, Tamazepam (Restoril), Mobic, and something else that was an anti-inflammatory I had gotten the day before for my back. I had taken 56 Elavil as best we can tell and 30 Tamazepam. I didn't take any of the other medications.

So yeah, J takes me home.
Remember, I cannot even talk or walk. He carries me in the door.
He leaves me on the couch and goes back to work because this is all before 10 am on Friday morning.

He comes home at 5:30 pm. I don't know how many pills I had taken at that point but I wasn't conscious and had somehow gotten into my bed. Everything I know now, he tells me. My arms are burnt and bruised from my air bag deploying. I look like I have been in a war. No one takes me to the hospital on Friday.

I sleep through Friday night apparently downing more and more pills until they are gone.
I wanted to die, friends. And I was not playing around. If I knew anything, I was exiting this world and at that point I didn't care how I did it. I'd have jumped off the roof if I could have. I didn't care about physical pain because nothing I could experience would have compared to the emotional pain I was feeling.

Saturday morning, I am kind of in and out of it. I'm beginning to know what's going on, but I still can't talk. I was still in bed. I feel like I am screaming for J to help me. In my head, I am screaming for him to do something but he later says I never said anything. My tongue felt like it had tripled in size (it hadn't...I don't know why it felt like that) and my throat was closing up. I had not eaten, gone to the bathroom, changed my clothes, or had anything to drink since Thursday night (except for whatever I used to down the pills). Around 2 pm Saturday, J starts going, "are you okay?"

Umm, hello? Really?

I tell him, somehow, to call 911 because I have overdosed. I remember that part. At that point, I felt like I was going to die and I pretty much went into survival mode and was not really panicking, but I got kind of scared because I was more conscious than unconscious at that point (I really wanted to be out of it) but I had no control over myself physically. It was like I was awake in my head but I couldn't communicate like I wanted to. And everything felt like it was in slow motion.

Overdosing is not like in the movies and if you're planning on doing it, plan on waking up knowing what is happening because every time I have overdosed, I have done that.

I guess I'm a slow learner. Awesome.

Paramedics come and I still can't move. I tried to drink water and it ran all down my face. Still can't move my legs, speak, see and everything I heard was all echoy and off in the distance. I was, in fact, and according to the doctors, in the dying process. They asked me if I was trying to hurt myself and when I said yes, that was all it took -- they put me down on the stretcher and did a 5150 (which is basically an involuntary transport).

I don't even know if J came along. I was in and out of it and didn't fully wake up until hours later in the ER when I was sitting up drinking charcoal, hallucinating spiders on the wall and admitting I had just downed 56 Elavil (approximately) and 30 Tamazepam as the doctors kept saying they couldn't believe I was alive.

Why can I not die???? Why???? Any normal person would have been dead on Friday afternoon!

At that point, if I had had a way, I'd have finished myself off. I was not attempting or crying for help in the least little bit. I hope they heard me when I said that too because I didn't care at that point. I think if I had had the chance I'd have hung myself with the IV drip.

Saturday comes around and Dr. H calls to check on me. I specifically said, "Does this mean you won't see me anymore?" And she said, "No." I was not even worried. Sunday she calls my hospital room and tells me she has to "terminate" with me because she had a consult with her supervisor and that our relationship was stressing her out and she had heart issues and I need someone more available to me. She kept reiterating that if she was stressed then she was not going to be able to help me and her treatment was no longer working for me.

She told me while I was in a 'safe' place because she thought I'd freak out.

And I did.

So I am in the regular hospital for 4 days -- Crying my eyes out over her. J being cold and distant. Cop at the door watching me at all times (for the whole hanging yourself on the IV line) and I had the worst day nurse there EVER. Nurses are not always nice to people that have attempted suicide.

I sit in the hospital. Having EKG's, EEG's, and whatever other tests they give me because of my own hand. Elavil is a TCA and is dangerous to your heart and brain. I had mini seizures (whatever that is) and my heart rate wouldn't go down under 150 beats per minute for like 3 days. I had a heart monitor on and the guy in the room next to be kept coding and crashing, so I didn't get a lot of sleep. My IV's kept blowing out so they finally just took it out. Then they said my potassium was too low and proceeded to overdose me on potassium, which made my heart rate go even higher. Which of course made me freak out and then I didn't know what was anxiety and what was true heart problems. At one point the nurses ran in the room going, "Are you okay?" They can see my heart monitor from their station. I was all, "Yeah, why?" And they were all, "Well, your heart rate just jumped. Immediately I could feel my face flush and my back started burning.

Well, I was okay until you just came in here and scared the shit out of me. Thanks for that.

Ultimately, in the event you're wondering or you even got this far, I'm physically fine.

Tuesday, three cops come to get me. Of course there had to be three because I'm so dangerous and all. Most of you have seen pics of me. I'm like 5'4 and weigh like 120 lbs.

Okay, 125, but whatever. My blog, my story.

Two of the cops come in my room while another searches my bags and they're going to HANDCUFF me to take me to the psych ward. I am burnt from my wrists to my elbows from my airbag and I was freaked out at the thought of being 'handcuffed.' It was embarrassing enough to have them escort me and take me in the back of a patrol car to the hospital, but there ain't know freaking way they're taking me in handcuffs. I protest even though they suggested they handcuff me in the front. I can barely walk without being dizzy, people. What am I going to do cartwheels out of the front door? I couldn't walk five feet without having to stop and catch my breath.

Psych ward.
I can't even go there. Such a long story. I was stuck there for 7 days with a psychiatrist reiterating there are "consequences" to my actions. In other words, he was punishing me for not succeeding. The psychiatrist was all, "You had a serious overdose. I can't let you go home."

Because I'm going to get help from your 3 minutes of the universal questions along the lines of "Do you feel suicidal today?" And my answer of, "No, I'm ready to go home." And one liner, "Okay. See you tomorrow." I debated on filing one of those papers to get myself out, but that would have possibly made me stay there even longer. He lectured me on how I got out of this hospital what I put into it and I reminded him that I needed a trauma hospital because male "mental health aides" on a power trip can't help me. They had like 2 groups in the morning that were so boring half of the people in them did nothing but sleep and there was no therapy. You sat and watched Fox News all.day.long. Oh, and waited to use the phone.

I did get to watch A Beautiful Mind while I was there.

On a good note, I did make a really nice friend there. She's older than me -- like 48 or something, but we were there together. She was detoxing from alcohol. I also met a woman who was a transvestite (I hope that's not an offensive term. If it is, someone tell me the term and I'll change it). She was a really cool person and had a Jamaican accent that I would love to have. We hit it off and played cards a lot. And complained about how terrible the place was. The food actually wasn't that bad, though. But it was all like really heavy meals and I generally am like a salad girl so all that friend food and heavy lunches were not good for me so I didn't eat a whole lot while I was there.

I'm on Zoloft. Which explains why I'm up at 1 am typing this when I have to get up at 6.

But I'm not done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, no. It gets crazier. This will go down in history as the longest post ever.

So I obviously have no more pills. I had asked the social worker assigned to me (who I saw one time for 15 minutes the entire 7 days) to please call my PCP and tell him to cancel my Elavil prescription and my Tamazepam because I will fill it when I get home if you don't. I know myself and I am telling you now, I am warning you now, I have zero self control when it comes to pills and if I get desperate, I will fill it.

Do you think she did it?
Nope.
Do you think I filled it?
Yep.
Do you think I overdosed again?
Absolutely.

You didn't even see that coming, did you?

Only this time I took about 25 Elavil and 23 Tamazepam from Friday to Sunday.
Beautiful.
And I didn't even go to the hospital.
I slept all weekend.

So guess what?
I hid them so no one would see them.

And guess what else?
I can't remember where I put them I hid them so well. In fact, I can't remember much of anything from the weekend and when I got up Monday morning, I thought it was Saturday. Like I asked J where the donuts were that I bought yesterday. He said that was last week. I can't remember where I put the car keys or whether I ate or took shower. I don't know if I took Tylenol or Advil or if I brushed my teeth or what I had for dinner. I catch myself forgetting what I'm talking about, slurring my words or even completely blanking out at random times.

I'm not supposed to be alone. My mother-in-law is here babysitting me while J works right now. She sleeps all day so I hope he's not paying her, but I am trying to make the best of it. Tomorrow my friend is picking me up for breakfast (we only have 1 car now thanks to me) and I have to get an attorney.

On a totally different note: I went to the divorce support group and I really like Amy and I made 6 new friends at the group. I feel somewhat empowered more than I did previously. I have an appointment with her on Wednesday to start individual therapy. She seems nice, but we'll see. I'm really not thrilled with it and I'm not in a trusting mood lately.

I miss Dr. H. We had a closure phone session and it helped some, but I just dearly loved her and I feel like she just threw me away. She promised never to do that to me and yet she did. And now she clains she never said "never." But she did.

But I have to accept it and move on because what else can I do? She had given me some things over the last three years and I sent it all back to her. I couldn't even look at it without crying.

Honestly, Amy asked me tonight how I felt now and I said I really just feel very sad. Sad that it all has happened, sad that I want out of this life so badly, sad things didn't go the way I wanted them to, sad because I am not a good wife, that my husband doesn't love me, that some friends have stopped talking to me, all because of trauma from my childhood.

I feel like I would have accomplished a lot in my life if I had not had so much trauma. I really do.

Update

2011-06-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

I deleted all my posts in haste because I don't want J to be able to use it against me should he decide to look for my blog. I'm a little sorry for doing it, but it's okay. I can redo it here. You all have been so nice and supportive, thank you so much.

I am beginning to clear the smoke. J is going to pay me alimony willingly (since I can't work) and is giving me 20% of the money he gets in two years.

I have a new therapist. Her name is Amy and she seems very, very nice. I am attending her support group tonight that is for women going through divorce.

This is really happening. I can't believe I am writing this.

I did have a closure session with Dr. H and I can see how toxic my relationship with her was.

I'm sorry this is so generic. I attempted suicide again over the weekend, but J found me ---ugh. At least I didn't have to go inpatient. I was in the process of hanging myself. Fun.

Geez.
I suck.

Today

2011-06-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

J filed for divorce and I am devastated. I finally told him I can't remember overdosing but he seems like he doesn't believe me. I cannot do this. I spoke with Dr. H on the phone. She actually called me back and gave me some closure on this. I do feel better about that. Tomorrow is another day.